Now that I am firmly in my 40's I'm much more comfortable in my skin. The insecurities that we're like a conjoined twin that plagued me in my teens and into my 20's slowly started to dissipate once I was in my committed relationship with Tony. I am a firm believer that a healthy relationship will allow for personal growth and change, and Tony has been lovingly aside me as I've done just that. Between the security of the love of my husband--and life experiences--I've certainly come into my own; and I think it's been mainly positive growth.
I suppose it's because I finally like who I am and am confident in my life choices that it always surprises me when someone asks me "Once the kids are back in school full time are you going back to work?" And, honestly, I am surprised how many times this subject has come up now that Elise is approaching traditional school age. I suppose it's what I am hearing behind the question that always takes me by surprise and I feel myself get a little on the defensive. What I am hearing is "As long as you have kids at home full time you can stay home; society will make allowances for you not contributing to your family income. But once your kids are in school you will have all sort of free time and become a free-loader, so it's time to get a job". Isn't that the implication I"m hearing? OK, so maybe I'm holding onto my insecurities just a little....
When I married Tony in 1998 I became a wife and a full time 24/7 step mom to Tony's two school aged boys --nearly 6 and 9 1/2 years old -- and sadly, they were broken, hurting boys at that. Not only was I learning how to be a wife and learning to share my life on a day to day basis with him, but I was also thrown into being a mom. Oh, did I mention I worked full time for the electric company, too? For two years I continued to work full time until I finally quit my job when Adam was born. Those first two years were very difficult years and ones that I don't think back on very often. There were not a lot of positive interactions and experiences and I keep them buried in the deep recesses of my mind. They are safer there. Really.
One of the reasons why Tony and I were so compatible, I think, is that we both came from traditional backgrounds. Our parents had both been married 30 plus years and our dads were the bread-winner, while our moms only worked part time throughout our childhoods. We both valued the stay-at-home mom and that was the example we wanted to set for our children. Being a stay-at-homer was a no-brainer for me and a family value that Tony and I embraced.
Over the last 12 years I have worked full time with kids in school, been the proverbial stay-at-home mom, and have worked part time. All three have their benefits and drawbacks. Working full time while taking care of my family was physically demanding and emotionally draining, while financially feeling very secure. There was an air of being partners and I enjoyed contributing to the household financially.
Following Adam's birth I stayed at home full time for 5 years, with Elise arriving near the end of that 5 yr period. Financially we had to cut back but we managed nicely raising the three boys (and toward the end, adding our little girl). Tony did not love his job but it was secure and he was home for dinner every night. Being at home full time with an infant./toddler/preschooler is challenging. Not every mom is cut out to do it but I think I made the most of my time with Adam and I look back very fondly on those years. Being there for him in those early years is irreplaceable in my heart.
About the time of Elise's birth we found ourselves reverting custody back to Tony's ex wife and paying her child support. Plus we had purchased a bigger home to accommodate all 4 kids. When they unexpectedly moved out after our move, we found ourselves in dire straits financially for the first time. That is when I started working intermittently. The last 5 years have been my "part time" years. For 18 months I babysat my niece in our home 40 hours a week. She is 5 months younger than Elise so it was a lot like having twins. I loved having a playmate for Elise but it was certainly challenging keeping up with two kids and found myself more house-bound than I was with just Adam. I did not have the freedom I was used to and that was definitely difficult. I also worked as a gymnastics coach for 6 months but they had to replace me after I could not return to work quickly enough following umbilical hernia surgery. By then Tony's job had changed and his hours also changed dramatically. Once he started his endless travels and 12-14 hour business days, working wasn't going so well for me.
Which, in turn, takes me back to the point of my blog anyway. So why are people so concerned with whether or not I am going to go back to work anyway? To answer the question simply-- No, I don't plan on returning to work so long as my husband provides for us. I will gladly leave what jobs are available to those men and women who need them. If I worked outside the home it is certain that we could live more affluently and the perks of it are nice, but I don't need brand new cars, a yearly jet-setting vacation, high definition flat screen televisions and cable television (Nope. Just regular TV for us. Shocking!).
Clearly, it is the people who do not know me as well who are asking that question. No grass is growing beneath my feet. I am actively participating in the lives of my children, volunteering at school and church and in our community. Our house is (usually) neat, clean and orderly and errands are run. Empty laundry baskets grace the bedroom floors and dinner is on the table on most nights by 6 p.m. After years of raising my step sons and now completing my first decade of raising my own, I feel that I have succeeded quite nicely with the life I've chosen. I may never stop hearing that question but that's OK. Tony's happy, my kids are happy and I am happy. Who can really ask for more than that?
No comments:
Post a Comment