Now I Pronounce You Husband and Wife

It didn't surprise her that she found herself drawn to him. He was intelligent, well spoken; strong and self-assured. He noticed her, too -- not for her education or intelligence -- he found her attractive. Holding eye contact that first conversation did not come easily for him. He  found his eyes wandering down the body of the trim, shapely figure standing in front of him.  They hit it off immediately. They laughed easily and their conversation flowed naturally, no matter what the topic. 

She wondered if she was imagining the attraction on his behalf. She didn't think so. There was a protective aire about the way he stood with her, cascading his arm around the back of her chair as they turned their attention elsewhere.  She joked with him and without answering her, he took her hand and squeezed it gently at their sides, out of the view of the others. He held it just a tad too long. As intoxicating and refreshing as it was, it was wrong. She had another man and he had another woman. Still, she was feeling dead inside and he brought out the best in her-- if only for a moment.



Sad to Belong (to Someone Else When the Right One Comes Along)
  by England Dan & John Ford Coley

Met you on a springtime day

You were mindin' you life
And I was mindin mine, too

Lady when you looked my way
I had a strange sensation
And, darlin' that's when I knew...

Chorus:

(That/Oh) it's sad to belong to someone else
When the right one comes along,
Yes, it's sad to belong to someone else
When the right one comes along.

Oh, I wake up in the night
And I reached beside me
Hopin' you will be there
But instead I find someone

Who believe in me when I said
"I'd always care."

Repeat Chorus

Bridge:

So I lived my life in a dreamworld
For the rest of my days
Just you and me walkin' hand in hand
In a wishful memory

Oh, I guess that's all
That it would ever be.

Wish I had a time machine
I could make myself go back
Until the day I was born,
And I would live my life again
and rearrange it so that I'll be
Yours from now on.

Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars, points of light and reason. ….And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed, but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.  -Edward Cullen, New Moon

About three things I was absolutely positive. First, Edward was a vampire. Second, there was a part of him-and I didn’t know how potent that part might be-that thirsted for my blood. And third, I was unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. –Bella Swan


I thought Tristan would never live to be an old man. I was wrong about that. I was wrong about many things. It was those who loved him most who died young. He was a rock they broke themselves against however much he tried to protect them.  -- One Stab, Legends of the Fall

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Driving onto the preschool parking lot, I glanced over to my right to watch my daughter's class playing on the playground. Elise perked up when she saw me, smiling and waving enthusiastically. She went back to playing only as my van drove out of plain sight. The thought then occurred to me: "How different would my marriage be if my spouse and I greeted one another at the end of the day with the same enthusiasm and unabashed devotion?"

After twelve years of marriage, Tony and I have fallen into a pattern common to a lot of marriages. Apathy. With no callous intent, I think it's easy to get into a pattern of living your life without consideration of your husband or wife.  No doubt about it--Life is demanding. Who has the energy to nurture your relationship after a long day at the office--or a day with children underfoot?

Maybe that is why couples often feel blindsided by the realities of marriage a few years into the venture together. While dating, your significant other is a priority. You wine, dine and court each other. Intentional affection. Tony was certainly romantic while we dated. But now? It's rare. And, I am certainly no better. I spend my day meeting the needs of my kids and attempting to make my household run smoothly, juggling numerous things daily. By the time evening comes, I'm drained. It's certainly our marriage that takes the hit.

I made reference once that marriage is like a dance. Done well, it's gracefully and intimate, with one leading the other. When two people try to lead, nothing feels right--both people get stepped on. When one person realizes that, and lets the other lead, both bodies begin to flow with the music and it becomes beautiful again.  The dance takes surrender, willingness, and attentiveness from one person and gentle guidance and skill from the other. According to the Bible, a husband should be the leader in the "dance" of marriage.The 5th chapter of Ephesians beginning in verse 22 reads:

22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.


25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church— 30for we are members of his body. 31"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."[c] 32This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

Undoubtedly, this is the single most controversial topic and chapter in the Bible. Even the strongest of Christian women have struggled with this command.  Submitting sounds so 19th century. But I think to understand God's command, you cannot pull the one verse out. It is laid within the greater context of the responsibility of the husband. He is commanded to love her as Christ loved his church. Christ loved us so much he has gave his life for us. There was no greater calling in Christ's life. He served us and loved us and died for us. As a wife, if my husband is obeying his command to love me so completely and sacrificially, then submitting to him is not an issue. If he abuses this "power" and is emotionally, physically, and psychologically abusive to me, then this verse does not apply. Again, it is the "dance" of marriage. Having said that, there are certainly times when I lead our family. As our home "manager",  I am often trusted to make important decisions that affect our family, just as I've been known to veto decisions Tony has made. This is not intended to be a one way street.

Tony and I have our own daily dance ritual. Case in point: our shopping list system. When Tony finishes his deodorant or body wash, he sets the empty container on the counter. That is my cue to find the stash or replacements, take inventory to how many are left in "storage" and to write it on the white board for the next trip to Wal-mart or Target. Of course, it sounds like I am doing the bulk of the work, right? Actually, it's self preservation. It eliminates the need to have the following conversation:

"Bon, I'm out of body wash."

"Check in the linen closet?"

"Nope. I looked. Why didn't you buy more when you were at Target last week?"

"How was I supposed to know. It's your men's wash. It's not mine. Why didn't you tell me you were using the last one?"

And so it would go. A fight would ensue over body wash. This way, it's a silent win-win for all. And so the beauty of not stepping on each other's toes.

In our first year of marriage, Tony and I took a class called "After the Honeymoon, Now What?" at church. We were asked to list the top three things we appreciate about our spouse. Tony listed our sex life, my physical beauty/appearance, and the fact that I cook. The first two were no brainers for me to read. Sex is really important in a man's life. And the typical man is visual, so I could see why the emphasis was placed on finding me attractive. But the "cooking" answer intrigued me. I've blogged about the background to me learning to cook, only after marriage. I suppose since I did not repeat a recipe the entire first year of our union as husband and wife this would be a total plus from Tony's perspective.  Still, 12 years down the road, I am ever mindful of those top three answers. He is often my motivation for hitting the gym several days a week or being creative in the kitchen. The sex thing---OK, that is a work in progress.

For me, my top needs are financial security, being appreciated and acts of service, not necessarily listed in any particular order. What attracted me to Tony was how handy he was around the house, yard and car maintenance. Truly, my husband can fix, build, or create anything. ANYTHING. He's amazing. And he works hard to support our family while I stay home with our kids. He provides that security for me. The appreciation thing--let's just say that would be Tony's work in progress.

Despite our best attempts to have a great marriage, the reality is that it ebbs and flows with life and there are days, weeks and even months, where I've wondered if we have what it takes to make this stick for life. Around Valentines day, I shared with my friend how difficult it is to watch commercials and movies of happy couples, or celebrate with engaged friends, when I feel my own union was lackluster. Hollywood and romance authors have done a fine job of romanticizing relationships and proposing what it should feel like. My friend suggested limiting my "romance intake" to gain a clear perspective of real life instead of the junk we're being sold as the gold standard.  She proposed that perhaps the purpose of marriage is to make us holy, not happy. That simple statement for me was profound and life-changing. And true. The Bible talks about Eve being Adam's helpmate. A partner. There is no scripture reference that talks about being happy in marriage. Ideally, if you live according to God's plan, you will find happiness along the way. There has been no other relationship for me that has stretched me and grown me. It keeps me on my knees in prayer. Keeps me humble and keeps me seeking and trusting.  This is the life I chose for myself and its up to me to live it to the fullest.



Woman was made from the rib of man.

She was not created from his head to top him.
Nor from his feet to be stepped on.
She was made from his side to be equal to him.
From beneath his arm to be protected by him.
Near his heart to be loved by him.