Reprinted as first published at the http://stlfamilylife.com/ website in August, 2010.
When my son Adam’s hamster Little Dude died recently, my heart broke along with his. There was nothing I could do to take away his pain. As a parent, I desperately want to protect my children from the emotional gunk of life. After Little Dude had celebrated his first birthday, I gently reminded Adam that the odds were that he would not live to see another one. Good or bad, hamster life spans are short—averaging two years or less.
Still, when Adam found him lifeless in his cage, my son was devastated. Fortunately, I was surprising my kids later that day by the arrival of a friend’s dog. We were pet-sitting for the week and I had decided to make Bandit’s arrival a surprise. We had watched him earlier in the year, too, and the kids thoroughly enjoyed him. It was the perfect distraction from the sadness Adam was feeling.
As I walked through the early stages of Adam’s grief this summer, I reflected back on my own grieving process when my mom passed away. Grief was not an emotion I was entirely comfortable dealing with.
Despite losing all my grand parents and various other relatives, it was not something I had ever experienced with such intensity as losing a parent. I was fortunate that my parents lived near-by and I talked with her on the phone and saw her in person often. Yet, after her pancreatic cancer diagnosis, there was sadness with each visit or conversation.
My mom was experiencing her own grief and coming to terms with the terminal diagnosis. She wanted to survive….she wanted to see her 5 grandchildren grow into adulthood and enjoy the golden years with her husband of 45 years. My mom grappled with why God was allowing her to experience such a painful and horrible end. She felt like she had suffered enough as a child. This was supposed to be her time to enjoy life. She did not want her family to watch her die.
There was a lot of sadness for me, too, in her final months—reminders of a life that was going to be lived without her in it. I thought that having a chance to say goodbye and prepare for her to die would make my pain less. I was wrong.
After she died, what surprised me the most was how alone I felt in my grief. Not that my friends and family did not understand what I was feeling, but rather, few people rallied behind me to proactively provide a listening ear and be strong when I was feeling weak. Despite having a large group of girl friends who had lost their mother, only a few regularly checked in on me and supported me. And it was only my best friend of 20 years who rallied behind me on a daily basis.
It was because of the aloneness I felt that I turned to a self-help book by Hope Edelman “Motherless Daughters” that really helped me work through the emotions I was feeling. Out of the book, there have been dozens of support groups created throughout the United States, including one in St. Louis.
Having an intimate group of women in various stages of life to turn to has been invaluable. They span every age group and life experience—some having lost their mothers as a young child, and others, well into their adulthood like me. While I rarely attend the meetings now, there is comfort in knowing that the group is there if I need them.
Still, it is through writing that I have found my greatest healing. As a family genealogist, capturing who my mother was on paper has provided the most comfort to me. One of my greatest regrets is that my daughter, who was only 2 ½ when my mom died, will never know her grandma on a personal level. Even my son, who was 7 at the time, has only faint and distant memories of his grandma. Capturing her personality and life story on paper is truly priceless to me—and sharing her memory beyond my circle of friends is a privilege.
On the cusp of my son’s grief is my own heightened sense of loss as the three year anniversary of my mom’s death is approaching. Perhaps this anniversary is one that will always bring me pain and the heightened feelings of missing her —or perhaps it is one that will fade with time. Grief is personal and unpredictable. What I have found is that it’s not the big reminders of her that are difficult—it’s the unexpected reminders like a song at church, or her favorite flower sitting in a friend’s vase. It is simply a fact of life.
Perhaps the biggest lesson I’ve learned is that grief is a process of ups and downs. Grief is not something to ‘overcome’, but rather to learn to deal with when those feelings are overwhelming, as they will be time and time again.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Children and Chores
Reprinted from its original publication at the http://stlfamilylife.com/ website.
It was a typical day in my life as a stay-at-home mom. I had a full basket of clean, folded whites beside me as I changed my 5 year old daughter’s bed sheets. She came up along side of me and asked if I could play a game with her.
“I’m busy doing chores,” I told her. “I still have to put away the clothes and change the sheets on the other two beds.”
Her response was not so typical. “I can help, Mommy. All you have to do is ask.”
As Oprah would say, that was a wake up call for me. How often do we go through our day cleaning, laundry, cooking – without ever asking our children to help? I am totally guilty and I imagine I am not alone. When my kids groan or roll their eyes, or flat out protest at doing a chore, it’s no wonder. After taking a serious look at my own inconsistencies in this part of parenting, I realize I was responsible for their bad attitude when it came to pitching in around the house. As parents, our job is to grow our child into a successful adult. Teaching them to be self-sufficient and to treat their home and belongings with care and respect is an admirable goal. But, how exactly do you do that?
For me, the important first step was observing my children’s behavior, as well as my own, without changing a thing—and what I found was actually encouraging. I realize that both my kids are amazingly self-reliant in the mornings. Both kids get dressed in the morning, make their beds, and brush their hair and teeth with very little supervision. My 10-year-old son Adam even fixes breakfast for himself and, when feeling in a giving mood, his sister’s too. If he needs a lunch for school, he happily takes care of that, too. With very few gentle reminders, my children move through their morning routine without much fuss, repeating the necessary bedtime routine with the same general positive attitude. If you don’t have a school aged child who can get himself rolling in the morning on his own, with just a little gentle guidance, I would not suggest moving any further until this has been mastered.
Unfortunately, there is no magic formula. Using a chore chart worked for my step-sons, while positive reinforcement worked well with Adam. For Elise, it is often threat of a privilege being revoked that motivates her. It’s really about knowing your own children’s currency and working from there. It’s also about realizing that if you have two or more children, their personalities will make this easier to accomplish for some than others. My daughter requires more direct supervision, which may speak to her age or her disposition. Likely, it’s a combination of both.
It’s from here I realized that things went down hill. The problem in the consistency was that there wasn’t any—ever. Summer or school year made no difference. Quite simply, chores are often done faster and better when I do it myself. Combined with the fact that there weren’t responsible for any daily chores, I realized that several days could pass without them helping me at all. When I would ask them to pitch in, they often fashioned their own revolt. This is where my change needed to come from me first and foremost. Knowing myself, I knew that assigning the kids daily chores for which they were solely responsible would have lack of follow through on my part.
The better plan for our family was for me to make sure I have my kids complete chores around the house every single day, varying by what was on that day’s to-do list. The last change was also key: Rather than give them a task to do on their own, I realized they enjoyed doing it if they were doing it along side me. That one is huge. Not only do we get to enjoy one-on-one time but they also they feel that they are truly contributing to the running of our house. Also, I was happier with the finished outcome, without feeling it necessary to ‘do over’. It did require me to slow down and work at their pace, which I think in today’s society of multi-tasking is a great trait for me to re-learn.
Once I implemented this new way of thinking, something interesting happened. My kids began offering their help and have wonderful attitudes in the process. Adam helped me clean two bathrooms, dust the living room, put away my Wal-Mart goodies, and folded and put away his clean clothes from the laundry basket. And that was all in the last 24 hours. Elise gets excited about dusting, folding and putting away the clean laundry. More than once they have argued who was going to set the table. And that is one argument that is music to my ears.
It was a typical day in my life as a stay-at-home mom. I had a full basket of clean, folded whites beside me as I changed my 5 year old daughter’s bed sheets. She came up along side of me and asked if I could play a game with her.
“I’m busy doing chores,” I told her. “I still have to put away the clothes and change the sheets on the other two beds.”
Her response was not so typical. “I can help, Mommy. All you have to do is ask.”
As Oprah would say, that was a wake up call for me. How often do we go through our day cleaning, laundry, cooking – without ever asking our children to help? I am totally guilty and I imagine I am not alone. When my kids groan or roll their eyes, or flat out protest at doing a chore, it’s no wonder. After taking a serious look at my own inconsistencies in this part of parenting, I realize I was responsible for their bad attitude when it came to pitching in around the house. As parents, our job is to grow our child into a successful adult. Teaching them to be self-sufficient and to treat their home and belongings with care and respect is an admirable goal. But, how exactly do you do that?
For me, the important first step was observing my children’s behavior, as well as my own, without changing a thing—and what I found was actually encouraging. I realize that both my kids are amazingly self-reliant in the mornings. Both kids get dressed in the morning, make their beds, and brush their hair and teeth with very little supervision. My 10-year-old son Adam even fixes breakfast for himself and, when feeling in a giving mood, his sister’s too. If he needs a lunch for school, he happily takes care of that, too. With very few gentle reminders, my children move through their morning routine without much fuss, repeating the necessary bedtime routine with the same general positive attitude. If you don’t have a school aged child who can get himself rolling in the morning on his own, with just a little gentle guidance, I would not suggest moving any further until this has been mastered.
Unfortunately, there is no magic formula. Using a chore chart worked for my step-sons, while positive reinforcement worked well with Adam. For Elise, it is often threat of a privilege being revoked that motivates her. It’s really about knowing your own children’s currency and working from there. It’s also about realizing that if you have two or more children, their personalities will make this easier to accomplish for some than others. My daughter requires more direct supervision, which may speak to her age or her disposition. Likely, it’s a combination of both.
It’s from here I realized that things went down hill. The problem in the consistency was that there wasn’t any—ever. Summer or school year made no difference. Quite simply, chores are often done faster and better when I do it myself. Combined with the fact that there weren’t responsible for any daily chores, I realized that several days could pass without them helping me at all. When I would ask them to pitch in, they often fashioned their own revolt. This is where my change needed to come from me first and foremost. Knowing myself, I knew that assigning the kids daily chores for which they were solely responsible would have lack of follow through on my part.
The better plan for our family was for me to make sure I have my kids complete chores around the house every single day, varying by what was on that day’s to-do list. The last change was also key: Rather than give them a task to do on their own, I realized they enjoyed doing it if they were doing it along side me. That one is huge. Not only do we get to enjoy one-on-one time but they also they feel that they are truly contributing to the running of our house. Also, I was happier with the finished outcome, without feeling it necessary to ‘do over’. It did require me to slow down and work at their pace, which I think in today’s society of multi-tasking is a great trait for me to re-learn.
Once I implemented this new way of thinking, something interesting happened. My kids began offering their help and have wonderful attitudes in the process. Adam helped me clean two bathrooms, dust the living room, put away my Wal-Mart goodies, and folded and put away his clean clothes from the laundry basket. And that was all in the last 24 hours. Elise gets excited about dusting, folding and putting away the clean laundry. More than once they have argued who was going to set the table. And that is one argument that is music to my ears.
Raised to Recycle
Reprinted from original publication in June 2010 at the http://stlfamilylife.com/
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle—it’s a mantra you hear just about everywhere you go. And it’s starting to get irritating to me. It’s not that I don’t believe in recycling because I do. What bothers me is the whole idea that this is a new concept and ‘they’ (whoever ‘they’ are) are trying to sell the American people on it. Even though I am only in my early to mid 40’s, this is something I’ve been doing for more than 30 years. It’s in my blood and a way of life for me. What took you so long, people?
For a long time St. Louisans, you may remember the un-manned recycling center next to the Marshall’s and Target stores on Manchester Road. There were concrete bins divided into categories: aluminum cans, tin cans, white glass, colored glass, and plastics. There was also a trailer nearby where you could deposit your old newspapers. On a regular basis my mom would load up the back of our car or station wagon with all the recyclables and I’d go with her to dump them. The glass items were the best. With as much strength as I could muster, I’d throw the glass one by one against the concrete walls to shatter them to smithereens. Honestly, I remember it taking a long time to deposit them. I am not sure she pre-sorted the contents so we’d have to carefully sort and dump them accordingly. In addition to this center, we would also drive to Kirkwood to drop off cardboard boxes and loose leaf paper, which were not accepted at the Target/Marshall’s location. I applaud my mom’s efforts. It was time consuming and definitely inconvenient. Yet, she saw the value and did her part to ‘save the planet’ way before it was the IN thing to do.
I still remember vividly the day we went to make our usual stop on Manchester Road and discovered it was gone. I am not sure if my mom was surprised or angry—maybe both. Being resourceful, she quickly found another location to recycle. It was even less convenient but she was undeterred. As a young adult, I continued to recycle. Usually I would collect my plastics and aluminum cans and bring them to my parent’s house around the time she’d make the drive. Assorted papers and newspapers were sent as well. Plastic and paper bags were returned at the collection site at the local grocery stores. I was trained well.
What a great day it was when citywide refuse, recycling and yard waste collection was made available—literally at our door step. Recycling had never been easier. In West County, codes 1 through 5 are accepted, with code 6 “polystyrene” not yet accepted. We’re even provided the bin to collect our recyclables. Cardboard and loose leaf papers are not allowed either. But fear not. Did you know that Parkway School District school and many area churches have green and yellow recycling bins to dump your junk mail and other non-sensitive material paper overflow? Corrugated cardboard is also collected behind schools. You will also find aluminum can recycling bins and a clothing bin on most of the same parking lots. A one-stop drop off for many of the items your local trash/recycling company will not pick up. And the bonus—the schools and churches earn money for the items you drop off. Win-win for everyone.
Recycling does not and should not be limited to our kitchen and office waste. In fact, twice a year St. Louis County Health Department hosts a series of spring and fall collection of bigger household waste items. Finding a temporary location has become increasingly difficult with businesses being open seven days a week. Fortunately, Earthbound Recycling Center in Eureka has opened to meet the demands of St. Louisans wanting to do the right thing. Open six days a week (closed Sundays), they accept metals, electronics, motors and lead items; any type of paper (including phone books, which is generally rejected at paper collection sites), chip board, tin cans and plastics and glass. Earthbound also purchases copper and brass metals and aluminum and stainless steels. For a small fee, they will accept unwanted latex paints (15 cents per pound). It’s also a free drop-off site for computer towers, flat-panel TV’s, water heaters, cast iron or galvanized pipe, lawn mowers, cell phones, rechargeable batteries, vinyl siding. The list is endless. For a complete listing, their web address is http://www.earthboundrecycling.com/.
Truly, recycling has never been easier and it’s really inexcusable to not utilize the recycling opportunities that are lay at our feet. We can all do our part to save the planet for generations to come—one can at a time.
Reduce, Reuse, Recycle—it’s a mantra you hear just about everywhere you go. And it’s starting to get irritating to me. It’s not that I don’t believe in recycling because I do. What bothers me is the whole idea that this is a new concept and ‘they’ (whoever ‘they’ are) are trying to sell the American people on it. Even though I am only in my early to mid 40’s, this is something I’ve been doing for more than 30 years. It’s in my blood and a way of life for me. What took you so long, people?
For a long time St. Louisans, you may remember the un-manned recycling center next to the Marshall’s and Target stores on Manchester Road. There were concrete bins divided into categories: aluminum cans, tin cans, white glass, colored glass, and plastics. There was also a trailer nearby where you could deposit your old newspapers. On a regular basis my mom would load up the back of our car or station wagon with all the recyclables and I’d go with her to dump them. The glass items were the best. With as much strength as I could muster, I’d throw the glass one by one against the concrete walls to shatter them to smithereens. Honestly, I remember it taking a long time to deposit them. I am not sure she pre-sorted the contents so we’d have to carefully sort and dump them accordingly. In addition to this center, we would also drive to Kirkwood to drop off cardboard boxes and loose leaf paper, which were not accepted at the Target/Marshall’s location. I applaud my mom’s efforts. It was time consuming and definitely inconvenient. Yet, she saw the value and did her part to ‘save the planet’ way before it was the IN thing to do.
I still remember vividly the day we went to make our usual stop on Manchester Road and discovered it was gone. I am not sure if my mom was surprised or angry—maybe both. Being resourceful, she quickly found another location to recycle. It was even less convenient but she was undeterred. As a young adult, I continued to recycle. Usually I would collect my plastics and aluminum cans and bring them to my parent’s house around the time she’d make the drive. Assorted papers and newspapers were sent as well. Plastic and paper bags were returned at the collection site at the local grocery stores. I was trained well.
What a great day it was when citywide refuse, recycling and yard waste collection was made available—literally at our door step. Recycling had never been easier. In West County, codes 1 through 5 are accepted, with code 6 “polystyrene” not yet accepted. We’re even provided the bin to collect our recyclables. Cardboard and loose leaf papers are not allowed either. But fear not. Did you know that Parkway School District school and many area churches have green and yellow recycling bins to dump your junk mail and other non-sensitive material paper overflow? Corrugated cardboard is also collected behind schools. You will also find aluminum can recycling bins and a clothing bin on most of the same parking lots. A one-stop drop off for many of the items your local trash/recycling company will not pick up. And the bonus—the schools and churches earn money for the items you drop off. Win-win for everyone.
Recycling does not and should not be limited to our kitchen and office waste. In fact, twice a year St. Louis County Health Department hosts a series of spring and fall collection of bigger household waste items. Finding a temporary location has become increasingly difficult with businesses being open seven days a week. Fortunately, Earthbound Recycling Center in Eureka has opened to meet the demands of St. Louisans wanting to do the right thing. Open six days a week (closed Sundays), they accept metals, electronics, motors and lead items; any type of paper (including phone books, which is generally rejected at paper collection sites), chip board, tin cans and plastics and glass. Earthbound also purchases copper and brass metals and aluminum and stainless steels. For a small fee, they will accept unwanted latex paints (15 cents per pound). It’s also a free drop-off site for computer towers, flat-panel TV’s, water heaters, cast iron or galvanized pipe, lawn mowers, cell phones, rechargeable batteries, vinyl siding. The list is endless. For a complete listing, their web address is http://www.earthboundrecycling.com/.
Truly, recycling has never been easier and it’s really inexcusable to not utilize the recycling opportunities that are lay at our feet. We can all do our part to save the planet for generations to come—one can at a time.
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