Confessions of New Fattie

To answer the quiet murmurings, raised eyebrows, and out and out comments, YES, I have recently gained weight. 20 pounds to be exact. I am no longer the size 0 I was from 2007 to 2010. I am now a tried and true -- gasp-- size 6-8.  There it is....true confessions of a woman who spoke out loud the taboo subject of "How much does XX weight?"

In recent weeks, much ado has been made about my weight gain, from well-intentioned loved ones who thought it their business to comment. I guess they didn't think I was aware of it, or I don't care. The truth is that I DO recognize it, I DO care, and I DO intend to do something about.

So here's the skinny.... (or the fat in my case, huh?)

About 8 years ago, following the birth of my second child at just under 38 years old, I realized springing back to my petite frame was not as easy as it used to be. To help cope with turning the dreaded 40 and handle the stress of losing my terminally ill mom, I joined at gym in 2007. It was life changing. While I was always petite, skinny even, I wasn't necessarily 'in shape'. I think that people equate thin with good health. The truth was that my cholesterol was probably a little high, I did not get much intentional exercise, and my energy was rather low. Joining a gym changed my life. While improving my cardio and overall health, I also developed a strong core, flat abs, strong upper body and more self-confidence in my appearance than I had ever had before.  The bonus is that in the process I lost the last of the baby weight (with my daughter almost 3) and slimmed down to a cool zero.  My proudest moment was while at Gold's Gym, a 20 something came up to my while I was working with free weights and asked if I was getting ready for competition. More like getting ready to run car pool, but thanks, guy!!

During this same time, I sought help for my severe chronic insomnia issues. With most insomnia medications actually suppressing appetite, I suppose it aided it my overall weight loss. Of course, just like contestants on the Biggest Loser maintaining this size and motivation for the gym was a challenge. Ever involved in my kids' schools, my church, and life in general, carving out that dedicated time for strength and cardio training became a little less of a priority. And my weight went up by an acceptably health 5-10 pounds and I stabilized as a size 4 about 3 years ago. Until about 7 months ago. Enter the weight gain.

Now I can tell you exactly what went wrong. First, my sleep medications changed time and time again until--did you guess it--seven months ago. My sweet doctor and I found a medicine combination that has been working for me, without the common side effects I've had in the past, and does not have a dependency....Nor does it taper off in effectiveness. Friends, after a lifetime of chronic fatigue, I finally have a winner.  The only downside is that it is happens to drastically increase your appetite. Even knowing this, I felt the up side to this was more important than a little weight gain from trying to stay satiated.

To complicate matters, Adam's health took a drastic negative turn in August 2011 and by April 2012, we were seeing specialist after specialist getting his diagnosis. For the entire last year, I have been working tirelessly to get Adam the best medical specialists around. He and I were on and out of a specialized children's hospital twice a week for months and I was taking care of him when he had strep throat for 4 solid months this past fall. Add that to my own strep throat infection that lasted 4 rounds of antibiotics from Thanksgiving to mid January, and it spells weight gain disaster. To the tune of 20 pounds as you might recall.

As a life time skinny, this has been a challenging time for me. I hate the extra weight.  I have outgrown almost all my dress slacks and jeans, and I don't feel good about myself at all. After listening to well intentioned loved ones share their concern about this weight gain, I understand why there is such an epidemic of eating disorders. God forbid, I gain just a little weight. I am hardly fat and I am still on the receiving end of rude comments. Even though I am still well under the average size 12-14, this is the heaviest I have ever been and it's been hard. Until recently, though, it was about survival. Now that life has gone back to its 'normal'  state of busy, I am getting back to the gym. Without any other major changes, I have already lost 2 pounds. At least my scale is heading in the right direction.

My goal is to lose the entire 20 pounds by early June.  I have roughly 10 weeks to lose roughly 20 pounds. At 2 pounds per week, I think my goal is reasonable. But work outs are not going to be enough to combat my extra calories. So, friends, my desire is to start replacing one meal a day with juicing. Having watched two amazing documentaries on Netflix -- Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead  and Hungry for Change-- I really think eating cleaner and truly getting all the fruits and vegetables our bodies need can give me the extra nutrition I need.  The health benefits of juicing are amazing and totally worth my time, effort and cost.  I hope that the kids will juice with me this summer, not replacing meals for them, but supplementing. I think my kids, especially Adam, will benefit from the added veggies, in particular.

Gone, too, are the days where I can eat whatever or whenever I want. I am closer to 50 years old than 40 so my metabolism may be catching up with me. Snacking after dinner is probably my biggest downfall.  Sometimes I feel that maybe I did not consume enough day time calories and I am making up for lost ones at night.  Last night I did not eat anything after dinner. I thought about food all evening long but I made it without anything more than water.  Just in one day, I noticed I was much less bloated in the morning. If I continue to feel better in the morning from no more snacking at night, that will be all the motivate I need to continue it.

Not only will I feel better and look better, maybe the nasty, snarky comments will stop.  Then people can find something better to do with their time.


                        

Every Year Begins With a Fairy Tale

Once every four or five years I stay awake until midnight to greet the new year. I'm hip that way. Last night was that rare time when I was awake to say goodbye to '12 and hello to '13. There was nothing magical in that moment--which is why I suppose I am not motivated to stay up until midnight in the first place. Maybe I value my sleep more than my political correctness to ring in our new year.

Overall, 2012 was not a great year. Ironically, 2011 was actually just as bad for many of the same reasons. Do I have hopes that 2013 will turn things around? Certainly. The optimist in me hopes that the struggles our family has had will find a place of calm in the next 365 days that lie ahead of us. The pessimist in me, however, knows that many of the unresolved angst in 2012 will, in fact, follow us into this new year like a bad habit. There is nothing magical about the turn in our calendar that will pardon us from our difficulties.

Every year I ponder the question, "What will I do to make 2013 a better year than 2012?" It's not really about making resolutions in the traditional sense. You are setting yourself up for failure (thus we begin our year with a Fairy Tale, thinking that we will suddenly live "happily ever after"). It's about making baby steps to being a better you.

For my husband, I want to love him better. Be more gentle, more kind, more respectful and more encouraging. Physically, we go through the motions in our marriage, taking care of each others needs in the traditional sense. I am the homemaker, providing him with the sanctuary he wants to come home to each night. I could be a stronger support system for him in the emotional and spiritual sense. In turn, I would like to be appreciated more--criticized less. Fifteen years of marriage does not make us experts. I find that having a great marriage is very difficult amidst the chaos of adult children struggling to find their way and having two children to raise up along the way.

When it comes to parenting, I do more things right than wrong. I am usually very patient and engaged with my kids.  2012 taught me about sacrifice more than ever before. I spent about 10 months of 2012 going from countless doctor and hospital visits with Adam, hoping to find a diagnosis and treatment plan for his blood disorder. While I hope the most difficult months are behind me, we are still finding Adam's new normal. This is a process for both of us and I learned what it truly means to sacrifice for my child and place his needs before mine.  I have spent hours on my knees, pleading with God to get us through the difficult days and weeks. As a mom, 2012 was the hardest year of my life.

Perspective was my buzz word for the end of 2012 that I will carry into 2013. Adam is cared for by a pediatric hematologist, which is a fancy name for a blood cancer doctor. (like leukemia)  Twice weekly for months,  we have been in waiting room and exam rooms at the hospital. Kids with cancer are all around us. As for now. Adam's condition is NOT life threatening. Our cryogenic results  and yearly bone marrow biopsies will give us a better idea if his condition could become cancerous, but it is most likely not that serious.  There are infants, toddlers, school aged kids and teenagers fighting for their life. Adam's illness has been difficult but does not compare to the dozens of kids we have met who hope that 2013 is not the last new year they will ever see. As difficult as it has been, it could be worse. Much worse. Perspective.

 My precious Elise. With the struggles all three of our boys have had this last year, she would tell you she has been a little neglected.  She has such a loving, sweet spirit that I hope I continue to nurture that innocence and child-like quality in her. I realize that in 2013, we will have two adult sons, and one teenage son. She will be my only little one. I want to savor and enjoy that child in her before she decides she needs to be 'all grown up'.  I made strides to really celebrate her in the latter half of the year, and I hope to continue to do that.

The biggest change I hope to make in 2013 sounds selfish, actually. Given the challenges I have at home with Adam, I am learning to say NO. 2012 was filled with a lot of giving of my time, talents, money and resources. And all of them were good things. But I over-committed myself to the point where thoughts of fulfilling those commitments made me sick to my stomach. In the last month I have thoughtfully pulled away from some of these commitments, even though it is a difficult thing for me to do.

In recent months, I have had difficulty staying healthy. 2012 will go down in our family history as being one of my sickest ever, which drives this point home even more. Part of that was exacerbated by lack of exercise on my part. I am the heaviest weight I have ever been and in the worst shape of my adult life. It's not about being skinny. It's about having a strong mind and body to take care of my family. If mama's sick, life is very difficult. And mama has been sick way too much. I had the mind set that if I did not get to the gym first thing in the morning, exercise was not happening. For 2013, I will change my mindset. If my morning is busy, I can still get to the gym in the afternoon. There is no rule that it has to be morning. It's just important that I go so I can be strong enough to take care of Adam. 

Honestly, I am going to give myself permission to be very selfish in 2013.  My friends who I have confided in this last year know how much of a struggle this last year was for me, and I look forward to having more time just to be with them and to nurture those relationships on a more intimate level. Life is too short and too busy to be stressed all the time. I want to scrapbook more, write more, and be productive a little less.

So to my friends, followers, and the occasional reader who stumbles upon this post, I wish you all a happy, healthy and blessed 2013. I wish for you what I hope for my family.