Teaching Our Girls to be Women

Last night, while my daughter was enjoying a play date, I decided to hang out with her mom, Anne, who I like a lot. Anne and I are trying to make an earnest connection between our daughters, who are both in first grade and have known each other since they were 3 years old. We want to hang out more and our daughters are a perfect excuse.

Anne and I are living parallel lives in many respects. Our husbands work for the same company, we are approximately the same age, we've both been married about the same amount of time and we both have sons in 6th grade and daughters in 1st grade. But that is probably where the similarities end. In many respects we are very different. She is liberal, while I am more conservative; she struggles with organization and structure, while I thrive on it. Anne is also more 'girly' than I am in respect to how we dress and do our hair and makeup. I definitely would say that she is more glamorous, and I tend to go with the more natural look.

For the last year, Anne has asked me occasionally if she can give me a makeover She saw potential in me and thought I could accentuate my features more. I have repeatedly turned her down for one reason or another--nothing personal. Just for whatever reason, I haven't been cooperative. Until last night. For about an hour she played with makeup and did my hair, even finding a cute dress that fits my petite frame in her laundry room.

That is a picture of me:  BEFORE. Albeit the picture is a little washed out, I still say it represents me pretty well. For being smack dab in the middle of my 40s, I think I am aging well. I am certainly no raving beauty, but I definitely find that I am aging better in my 40s than I did in my 20s. Here is how I looked AFTER Anne took hold of me.

The picture turned out a little dark, but I definitely think she did a nice job really changing my look. I hardly recognize myself. I actually really do like my hair, which I was not expecting too. The makeup was a little heavy for an everyday look for me, but I want to learn some of the tricks Anne used last night and buy some new makeup to my collection to help achieve this look for a fancy night out. I could potentially learn from Anne what I did not learn from my mom or any other role model.

It was while we were in the midst of the makeover that she and I were talking about being wives and mothers and we both agreed that for the most part, we don't feel like we learned a lot from our mothers on some basic 'womanly' stuff. She and I both agreed that we both have areas of strength and weakness but wonder if we learned it 'nature' versus 'nurture' or taught ourselves. Together, Anne and I would make a pretty complete woman, we joked.

My mom was very neat and tidy while I was growing up, so I think she modeled for me how I wanted to keep house.  As an elementary aged child, I was somewhat of a slob, but then I could spent hours cleaning my room from top to bottom without being asked. As a teenager, I was known to surprise my mom by cleaning the house for 4-5 hours while she was on a date with my dad. As a pre-driving teen, I would spend some Saturdays cleaning house with her, blasting our favorite Neil Diamond albums from the stereo. Gradually, I became interested in 'keeping house'--and really got the itch to keep my surroundings neat and organized when I lived away at college, sharing a small dorm room. Keeping it neat was the only way to survive such a small space.

However, with the exception of the occasional baking, I did not learn to cook from my mom. She modeled being a good cook for our family, preparing dinner almost every night. I cannot recall a time when I really helped her, except for grating cheese or cracking some eggs. My mad cooking skills was really a hands-on learn-by-necessity trade as a new wife and mom.  She also never taught me to iron or sew. My mom had amazing sewing ability. She could fix zippers, buttons, hem lines, etc. She also used to make doll and Barbie clothes, which proves she was very gifted. Ironically, before my mom died, she taught my husband how to use a sewing machine when we inherited my grandma's. Since Tony was in charge of sewing on cub scout badges, I think he was motivated to learn something other than the by-hand methodology. I, on the other hand, can only sew on a button. Other than that, I defer to my uber-talented sewing husband. At least one of us knows how.

As amazing as I think my mom was as a mom and how she exemplified being a model wife, I don't think she trained me in how to be a woman. We talked about The Birds and The Bees but I don't recall her showing me how to apply makeup, do my hair, or how to dress for my petite frame. And, looking back, I can see why I am satisfied with my 'natural' look. I never learned differently. But this lack of training did affect my self-esteem and has impacted many decisions I have made into adulthood, even into my 40s.




Every "Mom and Me' cooking class we take together, or when we complete a chore together, I know I am preparing her to be a woman. Maybe it may be a stereo-typical woman--a feminist may say I am being too old-fashioned in my intentions. But old-fashioned is good in my book. If she chooses a career path that lends itself to her being single and choosing to not have children, the time I have spent with her doing 'womanly' things does not seem wasted to me. It will still create a confidence and a sense of being a well-rounded person. She can bring that confidence into every area of her life.

Even now, I see this gradual shift in her opinion of herself. She wants to grow her hair out from bangs, so taking care of her hair is mandatory at this time. She fixes her own hair every morning, experimenting with different looks. Elise is also intentional in what she wants to wear each day and I see a more feminine side coming out in her. And she is only 7. 

I guess my main point is that the make-over last night really stirred up some unresolved angst about what I was lacking as a teen, and how that lack of self-confidence has manifested itself over and over in various ways into my 40s. Hopefully, I will be a better mom, wife, and person because of it. And help my daughter love herself as much as I love her.

Moving into the 21st Century: One Cassette Tape at a Time

This past October my husband and I did a mini remodel of our house--namely our family room and our master bedroom. The bedroom was always the plan, but the family room was the 'bonus'. While shopping for bedroom furniture, a sofa called to us. We decided to spend a little less on the bedroom set and also buy the sofa, an end table and a coffee table. Free financing for 6 months When our tax refund arrives, we'll pay off the furniture. Sweet!

It was our desperately old bedroom that needed a romantic make-over. Not only was our queen mattress too small, but we figured it was probably 20 years old. Two bad qualities for someone who lives with a sleep disorder.  Free financing a very expensive bed for 3 years justified the amount we paid for it. Especially since we seemed to like to keep our mattresses for 20 years. Our end result was beautiful.

Since I am the anti-hoarder, I loved the ability to purge and clean both rooms until they were sparkly new and organized. Which is actually the point of my blog. I uncovered a dirty, er, dusty little secret in the process. For 7 years I had about 100 cassette tapes neatly tucked away under our coffee table, hidden from view. I was confronted with the reality that I needed to do something with them.

For anyone who might stumble upon my blog and be under the age of 20, cassette tapes were after 8 Track tapes and phonograph records and before CDs. Rather like VHS tapes versus DVDs.  But here's the thing. I did not just throw them out. In the words of Dr. Seuss, I would not, could not throw them here or there, I would not, could not throw them anywhere. Least of all the trash. The reality, sad or not, is that there is a lot of great 70s and 80s music on those tapes. At least half of them were store bought, but a surprising number of them were homemade mix tapes. Just thinking about the money I used to spend back in the 80s buying the 'high quality' Memorex tapes makes me shudder a little. In fact, I recall spending hours taping songs directly from the radio--and having to record my phonograph records onto tapes when stereos no longer came with the turn-table. That was a sad day in the history of my life.  Smart move sound quality-wise but a lot of work. And, though dusty, I have to admit that occasionally I did pull out a tape and play it either in my 2008 van, which still has a tape player, or on one of our two stereo systems, which are just as old as the tapes themselves. Those tapes were not necessarily forgotten, but rather like Monica's closet from Friends.  I figured if they were out of view then they did not need addition. But with the fresh family room, I needed to address the tape collection.

I listened to each tape, many of them older Christian music. Most of those tapes were mixed tapes that my co-worker Dan at the utility company made me. He was our custodian and worked nights. Cleaning my cubicle, he found my stash of Amy Grant, Wayne Watson and Steven Curtis Chapman tapes that I would play quietly as I worked. That sparked a great conversation of our devotion to Christ and to the transforming power of Christian music. It was through Dan that I was introduced to Derek Floyd, Scott Wesley Brown, and David Meece. Dan also quadrupled my Wayne Watson collection, and added to other favorites like Matthew Ward, Larnell Harris, Petra and Kathy Troccolli. Playing these classic artists from the early 90s made me miss that music era again.

Living where we do, I am fortunate that we have an amazingly wonderful Christian music station. And for 20 years I have been a faithful listener through its name changes and signal changes. But their music changes as well, and while contemporary, I wish they would go back to playing some 'oldies'. I love Chris Tomlin, Jeremy Camp, Casting Crowns, MercyMe and Newsboys as much as anyone. But the earlier music is so powerful, too. It is a shame that with the resurgence of 80s music on any radio station in the country, my local Christian station does not play some classic Michael English, Steven Curtis Chapman, Steve Green, New Song and 4 Him on a regular basis. You get my idea.

Intermingled with the Christian music is the standard soft rock music from days gone by: Rick Springfield, Loverboy, Foreigner, Journey, Def Leppard, KISS, Depeche Mode. What can I say? I am a diverse music lover.  There was some great stuff that I had clearly forgotten about and had replaced by more current music Cd's to play. What is a girl to do?!?

I downsized. After listening to some of the music, I realized that I could purge a few, like Brian Barrett, Sierra and Point of Grace. They did not stand the test of time. But there was a long list of artists that I knew I wanted to replace the mixed tape with a true CD. So for my birthday, I looked through the clearance and 'oldies' section of Wal Mart, Target, Best Buy and K-Mart and replaced what I could find. I found a decent number of them available for usually less than $7 per CD--a few even at $2.99. The Right Price. Sweet. (Bemused or irritated that these artists fell under 'oldies'....well, whatever. I suppose at some point I would be considered in the 'older' generation.)

itunes gift card, where I was able to take some of the individual songs I preferred and get rid of the actual full cassette tape from where they originated.

After three months, my chore is completed. Spending too much money on myself (but using birthday and Christmas as my excuse), I have been able to get rid of about 60 of the tapes. I still have about 25 store bought cassettes from artists whose music I like, but think the tape is 'good enough'. Plus I have about 15 mixed tapes that are so mixed that to replace them would cost more than I care to spend, although I like them well enough to keep. I also still have a 2 page 'wish list' of CDs I hope to eventually purchase, and individual songs to buy from itunes slowly, over time. Between furniture and music, I am over budget and out of money. Maybe by the end of this year I will have collected them all, which averages out to about one or two Cd's a month, plus a few individual songs at a time.

Being a sensible person, I did not throw out any of the store quality tapes. Those I will either put on Freecycle or wait for our next book and tape drive at my daughter's school. They are still great music--just an outdated version. I am sure I can find a new owner of the classic music. Someone else who needs to move out of the 80s but will be 'tickled pink' to find them.

I can claim to be officially in the Y2K era though. As for the small collection of VHS tapes I still have. OK, I am still a work in progress as far as THAT goes. I'll get there eventually, too.